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[13 Jun 2007|08:32am] |
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schools out for summer. :] i dont need to see him for three months. and i might be going to oxford next year. i dont give a fuck if hes controlling my life anymore. when im in oxford, nothing else will matter. i wont have to see him ever again unless i chose to see him. and fuck ill never chose too.
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[12 Jan 2007|07:26pm] |
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I cant do this. I sit 6 feet away from him every single fucking day monday through friday for an hour and a half. Every fucking day I'm trying not to break down in the middle of class. I try and hold everything in. But how can I? Everytime I see him I freezxe. I dont know what to do. I feel sick, like I need to puke. I feel disgusted. I had sex last weekend. actual consent having sex. I felt like crying the entire time. His face kept flashing in my mind. I tried to tel lmyself, "no, its okay. you want this" and i couldnt. I feel so wierd now. I dont know how to explain it. I feel emptier then usual. I feel hollow. I feel like he tore a part of me away. And I like that. I like not feeling anything. Thats it. he made me feel numb. I didn't hurt for one night. I didnt think about what happened after he was done.
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[06 Nov 2006|06:28pm] |
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i tried to kill myself last night. i broke my razor in half and tried to slit my wrists. it wasnt sharp enough. i couldt go deep enough.
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[08 Oct 2006|01:35pm] |
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i cant do this. alls i do is fucking break down. im sick of it. i fuckig hate this. i cant do anything about it. thats what kills me. he did it. he got away with it. it doesnt bother him. wh y do i have to care if he doesnt? why should it hurt me, but not him? its not fqri. he should hurt for what he dd. i shouldnt. i didnt do anything wrong. i said no. i tried to fight him off, i tried to run. so why should i hurt?
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[23 Sep 2006|08:48pm] |
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Im sick of eating, Im sick of crying, Im sick of breathing, Im sick of living. this isnt the way lifes supposed to be. Youre supposed to love waking up in the morning, youre supposed to try to make the bestt of everything, your supposed to have hope, have faith, have dreams, have goals. i have nothing. nothing left. my hopes been tkaing from me, my faiths been destroyed. i dont have any dreams or goals, my dream is to just die. i just dont want to feel anymomre. i dont want to feel the pain every day. i dont udnerstand it., i dont get it. why me? i fucking hate asking that question but its the only thing i fucking think about now. i dont get why hed do it. i dont get why hed do it to me? he said he lvoed me. he said hed svae me. he did the complete opposite. who could do that? and why did i deserve it? why did it happen? everything happens for a reason, so whats the reason for this? wsas i asking for it? am ui really that horrible of a person i deserved to get fucking raped? i hate that word. everytime i hear it i get so many flashbacks in just a scond. everything s just so fuced up. im sick f feeling this way. i want to live. i want to finish highschool i want to do something with my life i want to amount to something i want to proove everyone wrong. everyone says how im just the fuck up the failure of the familu. im sick of it. in edd someone to put my pieces back together but i know thatll never happen. im sick of aiting. im ready to give up. on everything
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[11 Sep 2006|09:47pm] |
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im tyring to convince my mom to let me drop out. i cant see him everyday. its fuckig killing me. i cant do it. i cant. i cant drop out til may though because the gay law says you have to be 16. my mom wont let me because she doesnt understand. she still thinks im fucking mrs. drama wueen. fck her. fuck this. fuck life. fuck everything
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[30 Aug 2006|07:36pm] |
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I'm ready to give in to that bottle of pills in the corner of my desk.
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[27 Aug 2006|07:22pm] |
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Nothing's changed. Nothing's better. Nothing's worse. I'm not even living. I'm just passing by. What I have isn't a life. In order to have a life, you have to live it. And I havent been doing any living since July 22nd 2005. My heart stopped that day. I took my last breathe. I want to live again. I want to breathe. I want to feel. I don't want to be numb. I'd give everything I have ever had just to take one more breathe. He might as well have murdered me that night. Because in the end, I'd be better of in the ground dead, then here dead. But that'd be to nice of a thing to do. I don't know where to turn anymore. I have no one. I can't talk to anyone and I just can't handle it by myself. I'm sick of it. Sick of everything. I don't know what I'm going to do when school starts. I can't see him every day for 180 days. nonstop. every single day. hes in 2 of my classes. one each semester. I can't do it. I dont know what to do.
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[09 Aug 2006|10:27pm] |
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I cant do this anymore. I just want to stop breathing. I just wish a car would fly through my wall and kill me. I know it wont happen. but i can still wish. i cant even sleep. he walked past my house the other day and just stood there. i dont understand him. i dont get what i ever did to him to make him want to make my life a living hell. alls i ever did was give the kid everything i fucking had. i spent every minute i could with him. but nothing was ever good enough. id have to hide the bruises i got from him, but it was worth it. i felt safe with him. i felt like hed protect me. he told me hed never let anythingg bad hnappen to me and i believed him. he was the first person who ever stood up for me. he helped me out. a few htis here and there when i got in his way were understandable. it was my fault for bieng retarded. i just cant believe how messed up i still am from him. my life is complete shit now. i have nothing and no one. he took everything. he left me with nothing. he completley destroyed me. i cant even look at myself in a mirror anymore. i hate how pathetic i am. alls i do is lay in bed all day and cry.i have no energy at all. i hate bieng outside. i hate bieng inside. i hate bieng alone. i hate bieng around people. i hate everything. i just wish i wasnt here. i just want to die. to stop hurting. falling off a rooftop, that 30 seconds of feeling free. thats what i need. its not that i want it, its that i need it. i hate when i talk like this. because i know ill never kill myself. i hate when people kill themselves. its the pussy way out. its just that everythings been horrible. it doesnt seem to ever get better. every time i close my eyes i just see his face the way it was that night. there was just so much hatred. its like it wasnt him. it still isnt him. the way he is now is nothing like the way he was when we were first together. he was so caring. he did anything for me. i absolutley hate him. i cant stand him. i wish it wasnt too late to do something. its been over a yerar, theres no way any court could do shit. i was talking to this girl at an anonymous rape crisis center and she was telling me how she wsent to the cops 3 months fter it happend an d they told her there was nothing they could really do, they could press charges buyt hed probablly win because of lack of evidence. she has it lucky. she never saw him again. i have to see him every fuckig day of my life. hes al.ways there. i cant stand it. i dont undestand why he cangt just leave me alone. why the fuck does he have to kepp messing iwth me. everything i see reminds me of him. i see his face in my fucking ceral for christs sake. i cant do this anymore. im worse off breathing.
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[27 Jul 2006|08:31pm] |
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Last saturday was exactly one year since it happened. I relived the night all fucking day. Its like my brain is a VCR and the fast forward button's broken off. Pause, Rewind, Play, Pause, Rewind, Play. thats it over and over again. I stayed in my bed all day. I didn't leave it once. I didn't feel safe leaving it. I feel like he's waiting for me outside my bedroom door. Nothing's the same anymore. I can't stand it. This pathetic excuse for a life. I cant go outside. I cant eat. I just lay on my bed and cry. I've cried so much in the past 5 days its unbeliveble there's anything left in me. I feel so weak. I just want this to pass. I wish this was just a phase I could get over. But then I realize it's not. and that hurts even more. It hurts to realize that it really did happen. I wish I could still convince myself it was just a dream. I can't believe how naive I was. I went 2 months telling myself it was just a dream. Why couldn't it have been longer? If I still thought it was a dream then I would be completley fine. I wouldn't be petrified of every single guy I pass on the street. I wouldn't be afraiad to leave my house, I'd be perfect. I'd be able to act like a 15 year old. I wanna live my life. I wanna be young and stupid and mess around and screw off. But No. I'm so friggen cautious of every little thing. I hate it. I can't walk down the street alone. And when I walk down the street with my sister, or my neighbor, or my mom I can't look anyone we pass in the eye. I just hold myself as tight as i physically can and hold my breath until they pass. I never look up from the pavement. I hate it. I see other girls just messing around saying hi to everyone and laughing about it. I want that. I want that freedom. I want to be 15.
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[21 Jun 2006|08:56pm] |
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so i guess it just wasnt enouhg? you had to come home all manly of whatever the hell. you just had to fuck me huh? couldnt wait until we'd been going out for longer? or maybe you couldnt wait until i was fucking older then 14. no. so when i told you to stop, you just didnt listen? eah great fucking plan. you cant even fucking sya that you didnt fucking here me becuase you looked me right in the fucking eyes and laughed. you fucking knew what you wantd and it didnt matter what thefuck i wantd. it was like i wasnt even there. i was like a fucking blow up doll or something./ so when i told you i wasnt gunna have sex with you was that when you got mad? it mustve been becuase htats when you slammed my back on the ground and grabbed onto my fuckng writst so hard they were bruised for a week. when i started to shake and cry what the hell did you care? obcviously you fucking didnt becuase you just pulled my shirt up over my fucking face. and when i begged you to stop. you just hit me in the face. yeah that shut me up long enough for you to undo your fucking belt. but when you came back i tried to run. if i didnt ahgve a fuckeed up knee everything would be different. but its not, so why even fucking think of how things could be. No. you psuhed me back on the ground before i could reah the fuckin g side of the tent. that got you more pissed to huh? you punched me across the fucking face with yyur fucking class ring on that i started to fucking beled. and whatds you fo? didnt appologize nad say "i love you im sorry" NO YOU FKCINMG LAUGHED. how the fuck could you do that? to fucking anyone. not only your girlfriend who you calimed to ducking loce more then fucking anything. no. and ohhh it didnt dfucking stop there did it/> no. you put your fucking hand over my mouth and noxe so i couldnt fucking bereath. maybe you didnt mean toi fucking make me pass out./ but guess what, you fucking id. im kinda glad you did so i dont have to kjnow what the fuck happend. do you know how it fucking deel s to wake up in the morning with your short s down by your ancles and your shirt around your neck? do you know how it fucking dfeels ot see you lying beside me? no you fuckin g dont. you dont know how the fuck i delt, i fdont fucking know ahnything. i fucking lvoed you. with everything i wazs. i convinced myself nothing happend. i made mysle fbelieve that you would NEVER do naything like that. that it was just another dream. that i mustve just hit my faceno a rock or som dething when i was freadiming and thats why my fucking head killed and why the hell there was fried blodo everywhere on my face. didnt you realize how aftert hat i just couldnt even fo near you? i didnt hug you for the rest of the time we were together. iu hugged oyou only onece or tweice and never once did i fucking do ANYTHING else wiht you. there was csomething about you. i knew it. i knew something bbad was there. i just couldnt figure out what. until you fucking cleared EVERYHTGING up for me when school staretd. just had to brag to your friends huh? you fucked the infamous kristin. just couldnt keep your fucking mouth shut huh? is that why you wouldnt let me talk yo your friends? beucase you knew teyd say suthing and ten ifd fugrure everything iut right? trihgt? that was the fucking hufe idea toyu had. WELL IT FICDNT DUCKING WORK DID IT?1 no because they fucking told me. they fucking called my fucking house asking if ill fuck them. becuase apparently I FUCKED YOU. everythone in the fuckiikng school knew. so what happend whne i asked you about it? huh did it dfukcing slip your fucking mind ??!?!?! telling them or RAPING ME. yeah thats ehat its fucking called RAPE andrew RAPE. I SAID NO, YOU HIT ME, I TRIED TO RUN, YOU HIT ME, YOU FUCKING FUSSOFCATED ME. WHAT FUCKING PART OF THAT SCREAMS I WANT YOU?!?! EBCUASE I WAINT FUCKING HEARING ANTYHING. ut stil when you told me tyou didnt tell them anything like that . whod i elieve. i ucking believed you. and then i had to fucking tell the entire fucking school it was a lie. that i wanstn a slut and i didnt like t o fuck. not oood neough for you huh? no you just had to fucking take credit again. what the fuck is wtit with you? do uou nowt fucking understand the concept?!?! are you fkcing retarded. YOU HAD YOUR FUCKING SHIT CLEARD. I FUCKING BELIEVED YOU. it asnt till i was on the hone telling my dream to chelsie that i fucking realized it. it wasnt a fucking dream no it was fucking real. you fucking did it., you fucking idd., no fucking nded to. did it make you deel fucking powerful to hae me below you FUCKING UNCONCIOUS?!?! its that what it is? a fuckign POWER game/. well gues s what. you fucking won. you won everytime andrew. every fucking time. everything i hever uckign had is fucking yours. My pride, my trust, my laughter, my smile, my fucking SOUL. you have evrything. still not good enough for you is it? no uo just have to fuck up evrything else. take awa y my freidns my own fucking family ar that. and tehn you have tbehe fucking balls to ask me why the fuck we broke up?!?! AFTER YOU FUCKIUNG CALLED ME AND AMDIMTED TO RAPING ME. is it a fucking mind fame??1 becasue youre fucking reaking me down . i got nfucking nothing left to give. i have it all i have. im too fuckign weak now. youre coming back i knwo it,. becuase this is hte way it was . i was the fucking weak one/ yoiu found me when i had fcking no one. YOU FOUND ME AFTER HIM. after he fucking tried to kill me. thats whaen you found me. wen i was fucking weak as hell. when i had NOTHING LEFT. when i couldnt ficghtyouoff. you kamde me think you actually cared. YOU PROMISED YOU DID. you fcking said you LOVED MEE. guess what andereww. PEOPLE DONT RAPE PEOPLE TEH YCARE ABPOUT. they fucking do the irght thing. why the fuck do you knedp douing this? just fucking stop. stop. stop STOPP!. fucking leave me alone. thats all i fuckign awant from you. you have the police on your sude. YOU HAVE EVERYONE ON YOUR SIDE SO WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL FUCKING AROUND WITH MY FUCKING HEAD? what you didnt get fucking enouygh the first fucking time? you have to come back almost a fucking year alter? what? are UNCONCIOUS GIRLS NOT FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?!?!!??!
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[19 Jun 2006|07:45pm] |
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He imed me yesterday. He said he had no idea what i was talking aboutThen he called me and started screaming at me. When I broke down and started crying he admitted it. He said "SO WHAT IF I FUCKING RAPED YOU, I GOT THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD ON MY SIDE. NO ONE FUCKING CARES ABOUT YOU. I NEVER DID THATS WHY I FUCKING COVERED YOUR MOUTH AND DID WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANTED. YOU CAN FUCKING TELL ANYONE YOU WANT THAT I FUCKING SAID THIS, WHO'LL BELIEVE YOU. YEAH I RAPEDYOU." I don't think I'll ever forget him saying that to me. And he's right. I told my mother. She told me to drop it and stop making things up. I honestly just want to go to sleep and never wake up.
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[18 Jun 2006|09:13am] |
last night I was over my friends house with all the guys. I was kind of nervous obviously. Firstly because since me telling the guidance counselor none of the guys have talked to me. But when he asked me to come over I said yes without thinking. I just wanted to have my friends back. They were my support system and I've been going crazy without them for the past few days.
The bad note. When everyone went outside to check the fire and only me and Jeremy were in side he was tickling me and when I told him to stop he put his arm around my neck, and layed me on his lap. then he put his hand down my shirt and wouldnt let me go. I was so scared something was going to happen again its pathetic.
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| the secrets out |
[14 Jun 2006|05:41am] |
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so i broke down in class monday. my teacher sent me down to the guidance office. they saw the cuts on my arms and made me spill. everything. I told her every single detail about that night. I was shaking and couldnt breathe by the time I finished. I felt numb. I felt scared. I felt the same exact way I felt when he was on top of me. She tried to give me a hug for comfort, but I just ran out of her room. I ran out of the school. I just kept running. I ran to the park where I used to go when I was a kid. My mom was already there waiting. She was crying almost as much as I was. Alls she could say was "I had no idea, I'm so sorry" Then she got mad at me for not bieng able to tell her. She promised me this would all be over soon, forever. She lied. Back in school they called him down to the office where police were waiting to question him. He denied everything and called me a lying whore who just wanted to make him a bad guy. He said "If I raped her back in July, why didn't she dump me until September?" The cops left. They believed him over me. They came back to my house after that and told me everything he said. Then they told me that there was nothing they could possibly do. It was my word against his. He would win. He won again. He won my virginity. And he won this fucking mental battle. Now everyone's turned against me. They all think I made up some bullshit lie to get him kicked off the football team. I hate this. I hate him. I hate me.
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[03 Jun 2006|08:04pm] |
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these past two weeks have been really hard. talking about rape in history, no fun. especially since he sits right the hell next to me and i cant move. The worst thing was when he kept saying "she shouldnt have said anything, she should just get over it" when we were talking about Artemisia bieng raped and not letting it go. he's so retarded. he doesn't know the truth.
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[27 May 2006|07:49am] |
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im starting to date again :] First date's monday for icecream as a late birthday present. Justin's so sweet. I hope this all works out.
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| its my birthday |
[24 May 2006|06:18am] |
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thank god this year of my life is over. its been the worst one so far. well it can only get better from here.
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[17 May 2006|04:13pm] |
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Everytime I close my eyes I see his face. I remember that night. Everytime anyone touches me it feels like it's him. I can't even stand bieng held or hugged anymore. I don't feel safe. I feel.. invaded maybe. I just want this to be over. I want to live a life. I want to be able to wear whatever I want and not worry what the consequences are. I want to not think about consequences at all. I want to be a normal 14 year old while it lasts. My birthday's next wednesday. I can't wait for this year of my life to be over. It can't end quick enough. 14 was the hardest year of my life. That's pathetic. I'm not even 1/4 done with my life, and already I want it to end.
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[16 May 2006|07:38pm] |
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2 hours of ballet and half an hour of pointe, not exactly what I call a fun night. I cut 2 of my toes open and fell flat on my back and bruised it. The jaccuzzi tubs calling my name. Thank god for staying with grandparents. I don't know if I'd be able to walk without that jacuzzi :]. today got a lot better. thank goodddd.
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[16 May 2006|02:52pm] |
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well today was shitty. i never thought i'd say this but i'm getting so sick of rain. I miss the sun.
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